The Toilet Killer

I'm a pretty calm person. I try not to spit bad words when I'm upset or angry or fearing for my life. My life has changed.

Tuesday night around 11 p.m., after I had finished watching a pretty good movie (Children of Men) and watching my wife as she typed on an assignment (she facebooked at the same time), I decided to shower. I walked into the bathroom in our new country home and saw something in the toilet. I peeked closer and realized it was a brown, scaly snake. Just the tail is all I saw. About 5-8 inches.

Freak-out mode soon followed.

A lot of not-nice words were screamed. I realize that my freaked-outedness (word?) got the better of me and that I possibly (not likely) over-reacted. However, there was a small (HUGE) problem at hand. I had myself a snake in the toilet. My toilet. My throne. My comfort zone. Yikes. A cold-sweat ensued.

After closing the lid I consulted every grown man I knew and asked them what to do. They laughed hysterically and said simply "Good Luck" even though they had offered no solution other than flushing it. What if it came back up? What if it ate my wife and I? So...I loaded my shotgun and aimed it at the toilet as I lifted the lid with my 4-foot samurai sword. Snake was gone. So I flushed...and it had trouble flushing. Uh oh. Snake still there somewhere!!! I flushed at least 15 more times just to make sure and then duck-taped the lid shut. Wife said she wouldn't sleep there that night so we went to a friends house.

Next morning I go back and check...no snake. Repeat massive flushing procedure. No snake.

Meet the plumber at 3:30 Wednesday. We walk around the house looking for the entry under the house. Another snake is peaking his head out of the hole...I shoot it in the head with my pistol. Bye-bye Mr. Snake.

Plumber gets befuddled. Can't quite figure out where a snake would enter my sewage line and enter my toilet region. He's pretty cool though...scratches his head a lot in utter amazement. I like him. Good guy, didn't tell me any lies. We then proceed into the house. He opens the toilet for a nanosecond before slamming shut. Snake came back.

Plumber says it's a water moccasin. Crap (No pun intended). He flushes. Snake doesn't leave. Wants out. Gets stuck...ain't coming out. Plumber Justin offers a solution: Carry the toilet outside and then break it open...but the snake might escape while carrying the toilet through the house. Crap. So we do that and I point the shotgun at his feet the entire time in case the snake gets out. It didn't.

Toilet is outside now...Justin says we must now break open the toilet. He uses a .22 rifle, I a 410 shotgun. 15 shells later and we have no more toilet, no more snake, lots of blood and a face full of ricocheted porcelain which hurt a lot.

But no more snake.

Wife still doesn't want to live in the house. Don't blame her because I don't want to either. What to do?